What's The Point Of Singing, If You Can't Sing Along

I want to be in a band again. I've been playing drums and guitars and synths lately, and it's awoken once again this fire in me. I want to create music. I'm so much more comfortable on the electric, with people around me, than I am alone in the dark with my acoustic. When I play my acoustic, and write, I always write such sad music. So simple and sad. When I was in the band before, the acoustic was just that. It was my vent for the melancholy stuff that didn't really fit in with the band. So now that's all I have. There's this whole other universe of music that I'm simply not writing now.

And I want it back.

I want to scream and thrash around and do my little dance onstage.

I want my ears to ring.

Well not really..but you know what I mean.

But it seems to be coming together again. At least I have a bunch of cool gear in my room to fuck around with now. And Mondays. I play with the guys Mondays now.

The Winter has arrived. I love it so much. I need to do Winter photography now. Too bad I'm so busy. I want that to be my job. Instead of anything else, I want to travel around and photograph the world. For a living.

I'm actually trying to allow my friends to photograph their band for their Press Kit. I'm going to do it for free. Experience is key. Although people, or bands for that matter, aren't what I like really to photograph, I think I could do them well.

They shall be my first project.

Your Taste Is My Attention

Today when I was driving I saw pictures everywhere. The setting sun, the landscape enshrouded in mist. Of course I didn't have my camera on me. That always happens. It's quite possible that I will eventually be keeping my camera with me at all times. Getting more into photography nowadays. Definitely going to pursue this passion.

Lately I've been without a cell phone. I ended my contract, and I'm getting rid of my old phone. Completely fresh start. But it's been very different not having it. I can't decide if I like it, or hate it. The isolation is almost refreshing. But it's also frustrating.

Feeling kind of ill these last few days.

Better make some tea.

Another blooming passion of mine. Tea is good.

Hyacinth Blues

Wow, I haven't been updating this at all. My life has undergone a few changes, mostly for the better.

I have a new room at this time, and Chino and Aaron have each brought their respective pieces of musical equipment over to live at my place. There's now an entire drumset upstairs that I can play on. Sweet. Unfortunately my amp decided to quit working not too long ago. I just took it to Long and McQuade in Stratford today so that they can send it away. I hope she comes back soon.

So I've got a new room, with a beer fridge. The beer fridge is the best part.

Also I've been spending time with a girl. She's pretty rad.

Besides that I work. I'm still planning on moving out too, this new room is most likely only temporary.

So those are some updates. I hope it's been informative.

--out--

Ch Ch Ch Changes

What is this Sixth Sense we all possess, and dismiss? How can someone across a crowded room know you're looking at them, and look up and directly at YOU. The Sixth Sense really is interesting to me, because few of us recognize it is a sense at all. What untapped aspects of our world, of our consciousness are right in front of us, if only we could embrace this sense?

My sister left for Nova Scotia today. She's gone. Moved away. :(

The only bright side is I might get a practice space out of the deal.

Shapes

I wrote a new song.

Here are the rough lyrics:

In the mist above her reflection
Shapes shift
Surround us

They drown
They pound
They pound on the door
They pound on the door

In the way she moves
I found life
drenched from the rain
entrenched in my veins

Don't look back
Don't look back
Don't look back
Don't look back




**Edits: One

Nuit Blanche

Thanksgiving Time

With an absence of work on the weekends, they have become busy busy busy. This weekend featured Part Two of my brother's wedding. He and his wife Miranda made the interesting choice to separate the ceremony from the reception. So about four months after the ceremony, the reception finally happened. So yes, I told a speech and everything. It was actually a pretty early finish, but I certainly had a good time.

On Sunday I went to a show at Mr. Nathan Random's home in London with a certain lady friend. The show featured Olenka, a London local artist with a powerful and amazing voice. I was impressed enough to purchase her CD. Following her were the Ghost Bees, a twin-sister arrangement with haunting, spiraling, harmonizing voices. Very chill music that night.

I still haven't found a new job. Maybe this economic downturn is to blame. Or maybe it's just me..

Froggies.

Sometimes when I'm driving in the Autumn I think there's frogs all over the road.

But then I realize they're just leaves.

And The Streets Were All Full of Life

Hello there all my readers. I know there's at least two or three of you.
Hiiii.

Ok anyways. Last night was a very different night than usual for me. I traveled all the way down to Toronto for Nuit Blanche. Aaron and Andy came along. Essentially, there were art exhibits ALL over the place in downtown Toronto. Pretty sweet idea.

So we got down there and united with this absolutely massive crew. There were easily a dozen or more of us. And, as should have been expected, we were paralyzed with that usual big group syndrome that causes indecision and inaction. We literally wasted hours doing what seemed to me to be nothing. No offense intended to the others, no blame whatsoever. It just simply did not work.

So eventually the group splintered into several different smaller factions, and we finally managed to start checking out some exhibits more quickly. There was an incredible variety to the art. From massive inflatable pieces, to Zombies who were simply walking around the streets. You would occasionally pass a guy and his Zombie girlfriend. Or some Zombies would ride by on bikes. Brilliant. So we wandered all over the place with a few people who I had actually just met that night. They seemed to share our fervor and interest in the arts, so we made a good combination. I'll post some pics from it someday, but currently they are contained within my camera.

I've come away from it kind of disappointed. I missed so many exhibits. So, so many. I'll go next year, hopefully with a much smaller group. Like maybe by myself. Or with one other. It would be an perfect idea for a date with a lady.

Now if only I could get a date.

LOLA Photographs

Some of the pictures I took at LOLA a few weeks back have made it onto the computer. So here they are.

Off The International Radar





Plants And Animals




Holy Fuck

The Machine Is Bleeding To Death

Taken from the Godspeed You! Black Emperor album F#A#(1998)

"The Dead Flag Blues(Intro)"

The car is on fire, and there's no driver at the wheel.
And the sewers are all muddied with a thousand lonely suicides.
And a dark wind blows.
The government is corrupt,
and we're all so many drunks,
with the radio on and the curtains drawn.
We're trapped in the belly of this horrible machine,
and the machine is bleeding to death.
The sun has fallen down
and the billboards are all leering
and the flags are all dead
at the top of their poles.
It went like this:
The buildings tumbled in on themselves.
Mothers clutching babies picked through the rubble,
and pulled out their hair.
The skyline was beautiful on fire.
All twisted metal, stretching upwards.
Everything washed in a thin orange haze.
I said "Kiss me here, beautiful.
These are truly the last days."
You grabbed my hand, and we fell into it.
Like a daydream, or a fever.



We woke up one morning,
and fell a little further down.
For sure it's the valley of death.
I open up my wallet,
and it's full of blood.

pastel painting

Got an interview. This will be my first interview since I got the job at the Elm Hurst, all those years ago. Strangely enough, I got both my current jobs without an interview. So that's Wednesday.

I didn't end up seeing that house show last night. It wasn't actually last night at all. It's not for a few weeks. So instead Ty and I went for a little drive. Took some pictures. I'll have to go out soon and get some pictures of Autumn. Autumn is definitely my favorite season. The colours make the world look like a beautiful pastel painting. So hopefully some of my pictures will look like pastel paintings too.

Have I mentioned that I love photography?

Cause I do.

Weekend update

I've pressed the post button, which led me to this screen. But I don't really know what I want to say. Maybe it will become clear by the end of this post.

This weekend has been a slightly busier one than usual. Friday night I went to Mike Parker's for his birthday. It was a good time, for the most part. There was a little bit of drama that involved me, but I smoothed it over. I think what happened was Person A thought I was trying to steal his girlfriend, Person B. But I really wasn't. I wouldn't do such a thing. Other than that it was a good time. Dave came with his now-famous Asian Invasion(registered trademark pending).

Last night, Saturday, I attended my cousin Heather's wedding. She is one of the last of our fairly large numbers of first cousins to get married. The only ones left are myself, my sister, three others around my age and two much younger cousins who can't possibly get married. It kinda scares me in a way. All my relatives are like "Where's your girlfriend, Phil?" And I say "I don't have one."

So tonight I am going to Nathan's house in London for a house show. I hope it will be rad times and I hope to continue to distract myself from my life.

Today's musical recommendation:Warship

Earthlings

Quoted from the documentary Earthlings.

Since we all inhabit the earth, all of us are considered Earthlings. There is no sexism, no racism or speciesism in the term Earthling. It encompasses each and every one of us. Warm or cold blooded, animal, vertebrae or invertebrate. Bird, reptile, amphibian, fish and human alike..we need another and wiser and perhaps more mystical concept of animals. …we patronize them for their incompleteness. For their tragic fate of having taken form so far below ourselves. And therein we err. For the animal shall not be measured by man. In a world older and more complete than ours, they move finished and complete. Gifted with extensions of the senses we have lost or never attained. Living by voices we shall never hear. They are not brethren, they are not underlings. They are other nations.

Jazz Cigarettes

Well, it's been a while since I updated. Some shit was going on which has sorted itself out, so it's back to business as usual. I guess that means back to blogging?

This weekend I attended LOLA for the third year in a row. For those of you not in the know, LOLA is a musical/art festival that the city of London puts on in Victoria Park downtown. There are also shows at Call The Office, and sometimes other venues. This year I only attended the shows in the park. Only managed to catch Do Make Say Think on the Friday. That was work's fault. Saturday was a better deal. Aaron, Ty, Andy and I started the day with a huge order of Sushi. I also got my camera bag replaced. We caught many of the day's acts. I especially enjoyed Plants and Animals, Off The International Radar and Holy Fuck.

In other news, I may have found a new job. More on that as details become apparent.

Last news piece, one of my favorite musicians has posted new music. I suggest you go listen to "Coyotes" right away.

July Fourteenth

Found this in my trip journal.

Untitled

Trembling sound waves
And radio signals
Buildings are just caves

We all bleed together
And move in tangents
Hesitating to speak

Each hand that covers a heart
Hides it's secrets
And reveals just a part

Seeking silent senses
Raising up fences
To keep each other in
Finding your soul's twin
In a smile
Which flickers
Only
A little while

Seeking silent senses
Behind your best defences

more.

So I totally have linked The Out Circuit twice in this blog now. This is, in fact, the third blog now that mentions them. Out of twenty.
Anyways
On Friday night my neighbour Josh had a big party. He's several years younger than me, and even though there was an open invitation for me to come, I declined because I didn't want to be the weird old guy at their party. So I had a few people over at my place instead. Us geezers sat on my porch and listened as a big fight broke out, then watched as fully five O.P.P. cruisers came to break up the party. Inevitably some "refugees" ended up coming to my place, long after the smoke had cleared and the cops were gone. By this time my father was home and decided he had a problem with it. Even though I kept everyone in the back yard it was simply not enough. He wanted to win. He wanted to show these trouble-makers who was The Boss. So he stood there on the porch and got himself worked up into a righteous rage and eventually his presence alone was enough to clear all my friends out.
I can see where he's coming from, but that doesn't make me any less pissed about it.

So there's another reason to add to my growing list of reasons to leave this house.

the money sucker

The Money Sucker


Holy crap, car stuff is expensive. I just spent approximately 500 dollars yesterday on wheel alignment and new tires. Oh well, they were both necessary. So that's one expense that I can put behind me now and start working towards my computer.

In other news, I jammed with Nathan last night. Before I go any further I am going to start actually calling that band by it's name: Killdeers. So anyways, Killdeers finally had a practice last night for the first time since July. I think if anything, the break actually did us good as ideas were flowing freely and we were playing much better stuff than before. Perhaps we have entered a new stage of music.

So yea that's about all I have to say right now..oh I got a CD in the mail yesterday. The Out Circuit.
ch ch check it out!

The Ocean And The Sun

First of all, let me start off by saying that the new Sound of Animals Fighting album sounds pretty good. I'm listening to the entire album stream on Myspace right now.
My doggie seems a little better now. He has this sort of herbal stuff that's supposedly going to help him chill out. It's good to have him back around the house though. The place seems oddly empty without him.

Lately, I've been spending a little time in Woodstock with Matt. He's the guy with the house that I am considering moving into. It's not a bad little place, with lots of possibilities that haven't really been explored at all. I am still considering moving there, and I am still not completely sure about it. I mean it's just down the road really..but I think the change would do me good. This is essentially the thing I've been thinking about the most lately. Is it really worth it? I think if I don't change this in my life soon the stagnation of this horrible little town will pull me under for good.

My Dog

Character sketch of my dog:

Jefferson is approximately ten or eleven years old. He is one of those dogs who is always stuck in a particular room of the house. I'm sure we all have known someone who has a dog like this. As we are all getting older here at the house, we are home less and less frequently. This, combined with the loss of his brother/lifelong companion Chakotay has led to all sorts of agitated, nervous and antisocial behavior which manifests itself in Jeffie destroying his local environment-the backroom. So when we leave the house, we almost always come home to destruction. As I sit here, listening to Refused there is a 75% chance that he is down there knocking shit over.

I wish he wasn't so fucked in the head now. His behavior creates a response in me that borders between anger and pity and sadness. It's frustrating as hell. This weekend we take him to the Vet to see if there is some internal problem that could be the cause of his problems. We might have to give him drugs to calm the fuck down, because he is just spun.

So that's my story about my poor, sad, lonely little doggie.

wednesday

Hmm.

Turns out Nathan left his phone at home, and that's why I couldn't get a hold of him Monday. Hopefully I'll be able to get over there somewhat soon..because we haven't had a practice in a long time. I haven't had a practice with either of my bands in a long time. The whole music thing has just gone down the shitter, essentially.

Several factors have come into play that are causing this.. for starters, the band with Nathan: he lives in London. That's the main problem there. I work six days a week, often until late in the evening. Therefore, the days we can actually get together are few and far between. On top of that, he has another band now which is apparently doing much better than the one I have with him. Not sure what the future of that really could be.

My other band has the same problem with work, except all three of us work a lot. On top of that Aaron's chronic shoulder problem is a severe limitation. In my opinion, I don't think we'll ever get anywhere with a drummer who can't drum most of the time because it hurts. Like, really. Maybe someday he'll finally get himself checked out. I'll probably be gone by then though.

So I think I might move to Woodstock to Matt's house when Tyson gets back. It would be cheap, and a welcome change of scenery. It's not where I want to end up, but I seriously need to get the fuck out of this town before I curl up and die. Woodstock might not be much better than Ingersoll, but I don't care. It's just somewhere else.

Maybe I'll find a new band there, too.

P.S. Check my profile to see my other blog, The East Coast.

Sleep Is A Lonely Place

Sometimes I feel very alone. When no one is returning my calls. When I get to thinking too much. I know being alone truly defines life, as a person. Or does it? Does it for everyone? I don't know. Because a lot of people are part of happy (or unhappy) relationships. A lot of people are surrounded by friends and are generally happy with things. But I'm not surrounded by that. I always tell people that I have a habit of pushing others away. Well it works the other way too, so when I'm not the one pushing it feels like everyone else is.
These meandering thoughts likely make little sense to anybody who by some chance is reading them. You might see right through them and in a moment decide that I'm alone because I choose to be. It doesn't change the fact that my life is defined by loneliness right now. I need a new city. A new life. Will it even change a fucking thing? Probably not.
Today I went to London and had a little shopping expedition. Oh right guys aren't allowed to call it that. It was ummm..a buying stuff expedition. Yeah that has a beautiful ring to it, doesn't it?

I got:
-floor mats for my car
-a new bong shaft for Rich (I broke his by accident)
-the seventh book in the Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan
-acoustic guitar strings
-Clove Cigarettes

So that's my day off. Was planning on meeting up with my friend Nathan, who lives in London, to make some noise with instruments..but he is apparently sleeping. Either that or he's just avoiding me. I mean it's 6:30 in the evening. But he's slept in this late before. Oh well, no music tonight then.

What a shitty day.

I was also planning on seeing a specific person today. But she's not interested.
She found someone else.

Blahg

What a shitty day today is. I chilled with Mr. Adam Charlton last night and it started off innocently enough but before I knew it, I had consumed way too many alcoholic beverages. I'm so fucking skinny now that it takes very small amounts of alcohol to put me under the table.
So when I woke up today my body punished me severely for my negligence. Severely. Did I mention that my body punished my SEVERELY?
And now I have nothing to do on this lovely Friday evening. Nothing at all. I'm such a loser. Did I really just create a new blog just to talk about how dreadfully hungover I was this morning? There's gotta be something worth telling besides that..

But nope. Can't think of anything. I need to stop drinking so much. I don't even know why I do it. Fuck you alcohol!

What does it mean to consistently feel regret? To feel sudden heart fluttering regret? Why do I always feel like I'm doing something wrong. Why do I always feel so guilty for everything I say and do. To be talking with friends or be happy and then suddenly just feel stabbing, desperate sadness?

I think it means something is very, very wrong.

I'm tired. Don't listen.
Listen
Listen

The Pieces Are Coming Together

Finally.

Thirteen days after arriving back home from the trip, I've finally managed to steal Aaron's computer. This is important because that computer contains an exceptionally large number of photographs that I took on the trip. Apparently the shutter button was depressed an amazing and shocking three thousand times. Not all of those pictures remain in existence of course..but that's still a lot of pictures.

So there she sits to my left, working away copying CD's, waiting for me to figure out how to link it to this one in order to exchange photographs.

This might not seem like very important news, but it's important to me dammit! It will also provide some spice for the blog in the form of photography.

So yea, I guess that's it. That's all I really have to say..I have today off and I'm sitting here being a total nerd.

Sweeeet

it's in your blood

It's been an exhausting couple of days. I've been drinking way too much, and subsequently paying for it the following day. Last night was Tim's "birthday" (his real birthday is Tuesday). Chino's was Friday. Last night I just felt utterly exhausted and drained. For this reason it was one of those nights where I tend to just quietly sit there and watch and listen. Anyone who knows me well is familiar with these quiet moods. I'm a man of many moods.

I don't feel all that good lately in general actually. It's absolutely fucking killing me to live in this town. With the apparent inactivity of my band, I'm left with no purpose, no defining thing to live by. There is nothing but work in my life now. The trip was merely a quick suspension of normal activity but it's gone now.

I think once I get back on my feet financially, I'm going to start exploring options on how to remove myself from Ingersoll. I've often considered going to school for photography. More and more lately it seems like a good idea. I've always said if I figured out something I'd actually like to go to school for that I might do it.

If I don't do that then I just have to leave.

Today's musical recommendation:
Lydia

falling stars

It's an exceptionally strange feeling to be back in this town which constitutes my home. Mowing my lawn. Washing my car. It all feels different now. And so do I. My recent vacation seems like some distant dream. I haven't even been home a week yet. But it still feels like a distant dream. I can trace my finger across a map and say to myself "I was there" but somehow it doesn't feel like I was. The only evidence I have is an empty bank account, pictures and this dream in my brain.
I hope I never forget all those shooting stars I saw. The mountains I saw. The people I met. The dirt I got on my shoes and my car. The feeling of peace I had looking out at the ocean. The overwhelming scent of pine that invaded my senses when I was in that forest.
But time is cruel. And time is a thief. It takes our most intimate thoughts and memories and transforms them in pretty ghosts. And sometimes all it leaves are the most vivid memories of regret and sadness.


I hate it.

There's a meteor shower tonight. I might go somewhere quiet and dark and watch it.
And I'll think.
And maybe I'll be at peace again.
Because all I've ever wanted was to be at peace.

Ugh

I've begun to transfer posts for the trip from this blog to my new one, which i created especially for the trip. And I have made a terrible realization. I'm gonna lose all my comments!

Dammit.

Decision

Ok here's what I'm doing with the question of blog content.
I created another blog (accessible through this page) that will be devoted entirely to the trip which I have just returned from.
This page will return to my rambling and sometimes incoherent thoughts.
That is all.
I'll be rearranging the blog entries to fit this new setup shortly.

In other news, I am now officially an uncle as of two-something in the morning today.
Abbey Claire Bond.

Hmm.

(This is what Ontario usually looks like)


Well I'm back in Ontario now.
It's really weird not being on the road, having somewhere to be..and it's also outstandingly strange not having to work for a little while.

But my point for writing this, is I'm really not sure what to do now, with this blog. I mean obviously I intend to continue updating.. but the trip is over.. and I couldn't make the blog a parallel to my travels as effectively as I had planned. No. Not at all. The blog is currently at Day Nine. There were Twenty-Six days in total. This is a massive gap. I had good reason of course. Lack of internet access was my basic hindrance..and even when there was access to be had, computer access was limited. Two others wanted to use the computer too, and one of them actually owned it.
Anyways

I must contemplate this.
Do I just return to documenting my own personal life?
Do I write out all the trip blogs ?

?

Untitled.

transcending the bridge
of sleepless eyes
we behold the light
and it sneaks in slow
pulling.caressing.seeping night

a sad reminder
and a wilted growth

i remember you pulling me close
i remember your eyes as they
stared at me and you chose
your words slowly you said

dont let go

sleep comes slow
i think you know
i turn out the light
memories held tight

A Particular Ending

Trip countdown: Less than 24 hours.

Yes, that's right. Less than 24 hours and I will be gone. Pretty much 12 hours at this point. I should really be packing, but here I am on the internet instead. But hey, I wanted to go out with one last blog before I hit the road. I'll be updating as frequently as possible with entries from my road journal. All you millions of my readers out there, don't fear an absence of posts.

I can't help but think ahead til after the trip. What then? This occupies my thoughts quite frequently..
and so does she.

Today's Musical Recommendation:
Dance Gavin Dance

i can only write when you're sad.

phil: man, bananas are fucking awesome..they're so loaded with energy! it's like they're some kinda wonder fruit!
dave: yea..thats why you dont mess with gorillas..they eat that shit all day!

trip countdown: two days

Holy crap time flies these days. It seems like with each day of my life that passes, the next one passes faster. I haven't done a thing to prepare for the trip, in the way of packing, or rounding up materials. But I'm cool with that..I've always been a bit of a procrastinator. It's not that I dont accomplish things..I just wait til the last minute to accomplish them. For example Aaron and I have waited until today to have a really good driving session..because he isn't exactly the greatest at stick yet (my car is a standard). At least he sorta knows what he's doing, just needs to even out his rough edges.

So hopefully I can get a few things accomplished today before work. Didn't get a thing accomplished yesterday other than compare music with Aaron to make sure we weren't bringing the same albums. Can u blame me though? I essentially worked from 1030 in the morning until 10 at night. I'm so obsessed with music though..I have actually put a lot of thought into what albums to bring, imagining hearing them in particular places and environments..I think I've selected a good line-up.

Todays musical recommendation:
Beach House

the new week

Trip countdown: approximately four days.

Last night I had my last practise for awhile with my one project; Killdeers. Tonight my other band practises(hopefully) for the last time for awhile. We really need to come up with a name..of course the name isn't as important now as coming up with songs..

I feel as though everything is coming to head this week. My life for the past couple months has consisted of nothing but work and i feel worn down yet somehow liberated..despite that i haven't left yet. I think I need to do away with seven-day workweeks. I think I need to try and live like a normal human being again. I just don't know what I would do with myself if I didn't work. That's pretty sad.

ugh

Today's music recommendation:
The Out Circuit

hmm.

Well today is one of those rare days where i inexplicably feel motivated and do stuff. I've achieved such admirable feats as: eating breakfast, mowing the lawn and shaving. Yes I know, I should be getting awards, or at least an honorable mention from some sort of special committee.

Anyways, seeing as I'm feeling motivated and all, I thought i would type up this here blog. Only number 2 so far. The countdown to my trip is speedily moving through the final week. To those who don't know, I'm leaving on Friday July 11 to go on a road trip of epic proportions. First night, Ottawa. Then Quebec. Then New Brunswick..etc etc etc. In fact, part of the reason I started this blog in the first place was because I'll be keeping a journal of events, and I wanted somewhere to post it. I considered using myspace..but imagined a massive list of entries..and quickly discarded that idea.

In other news, my band jammed last night and it went fairly well..unlike the practise before that where we sucked a lot for some reason. Tomorrow my other band practises. It's good to be busy..and keep my mind occupied.

Today's musical recommendation:
Dr. Manhattan

Greetings.

Hello, I'm Phil. I am a dude.
I started this blog for reasons that I'm not entirely sure of. Maybe i was just bored. Maybe i was lonely and this is me trying to reach out and touch someone, with some quiet blog in some dim corner of the internet..yea i know not the best way to reach someone.
that couldn't have been it..
Well who knows, but since i started this i might as well continue it.
That's all i have to say for now, but more will surely come.