My Dog

Character sketch of my dog:

Jefferson is approximately ten or eleven years old. He is one of those dogs who is always stuck in a particular room of the house. I'm sure we all have known someone who has a dog like this. As we are all getting older here at the house, we are home less and less frequently. This, combined with the loss of his brother/lifelong companion Chakotay has led to all sorts of agitated, nervous and antisocial behavior which manifests itself in Jeffie destroying his local environment-the backroom. So when we leave the house, we almost always come home to destruction. As I sit here, listening to Refused there is a 75% chance that he is down there knocking shit over.

I wish he wasn't so fucked in the head now. His behavior creates a response in me that borders between anger and pity and sadness. It's frustrating as hell. This weekend we take him to the Vet to see if there is some internal problem that could be the cause of his problems. We might have to give him drugs to calm the fuck down, because he is just spun.

So that's my story about my poor, sad, lonely little doggie.

wednesday

Hmm.

Turns out Nathan left his phone at home, and that's why I couldn't get a hold of him Monday. Hopefully I'll be able to get over there somewhat soon..because we haven't had a practice in a long time. I haven't had a practice with either of my bands in a long time. The whole music thing has just gone down the shitter, essentially.

Several factors have come into play that are causing this.. for starters, the band with Nathan: he lives in London. That's the main problem there. I work six days a week, often until late in the evening. Therefore, the days we can actually get together are few and far between. On top of that, he has another band now which is apparently doing much better than the one I have with him. Not sure what the future of that really could be.

My other band has the same problem with work, except all three of us work a lot. On top of that Aaron's chronic shoulder problem is a severe limitation. In my opinion, I don't think we'll ever get anywhere with a drummer who can't drum most of the time because it hurts. Like, really. Maybe someday he'll finally get himself checked out. I'll probably be gone by then though.

So I think I might move to Woodstock to Matt's house when Tyson gets back. It would be cheap, and a welcome change of scenery. It's not where I want to end up, but I seriously need to get the fuck out of this town before I curl up and die. Woodstock might not be much better than Ingersoll, but I don't care. It's just somewhere else.

Maybe I'll find a new band there, too.

P.S. Check my profile to see my other blog, The East Coast.

Sleep Is A Lonely Place

Sometimes I feel very alone. When no one is returning my calls. When I get to thinking too much. I know being alone truly defines life, as a person. Or does it? Does it for everyone? I don't know. Because a lot of people are part of happy (or unhappy) relationships. A lot of people are surrounded by friends and are generally happy with things. But I'm not surrounded by that. I always tell people that I have a habit of pushing others away. Well it works the other way too, so when I'm not the one pushing it feels like everyone else is.
These meandering thoughts likely make little sense to anybody who by some chance is reading them. You might see right through them and in a moment decide that I'm alone because I choose to be. It doesn't change the fact that my life is defined by loneliness right now. I need a new city. A new life. Will it even change a fucking thing? Probably not.
Today I went to London and had a little shopping expedition. Oh right guys aren't allowed to call it that. It was ummm..a buying stuff expedition. Yeah that has a beautiful ring to it, doesn't it?

I got:
-floor mats for my car
-a new bong shaft for Rich (I broke his by accident)
-the seventh book in the Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan
-acoustic guitar strings
-Clove Cigarettes

So that's my day off. Was planning on meeting up with my friend Nathan, who lives in London, to make some noise with instruments..but he is apparently sleeping. Either that or he's just avoiding me. I mean it's 6:30 in the evening. But he's slept in this late before. Oh well, no music tonight then.

What a shitty day.

I was also planning on seeing a specific person today. But she's not interested.
She found someone else.

Blahg

What a shitty day today is. I chilled with Mr. Adam Charlton last night and it started off innocently enough but before I knew it, I had consumed way too many alcoholic beverages. I'm so fucking skinny now that it takes very small amounts of alcohol to put me under the table.
So when I woke up today my body punished me severely for my negligence. Severely. Did I mention that my body punished my SEVERELY?
And now I have nothing to do on this lovely Friday evening. Nothing at all. I'm such a loser. Did I really just create a new blog just to talk about how dreadfully hungover I was this morning? There's gotta be something worth telling besides that..

But nope. Can't think of anything. I need to stop drinking so much. I don't even know why I do it. Fuck you alcohol!

What does it mean to consistently feel regret? To feel sudden heart fluttering regret? Why do I always feel like I'm doing something wrong. Why do I always feel so guilty for everything I say and do. To be talking with friends or be happy and then suddenly just feel stabbing, desperate sadness?

I think it means something is very, very wrong.

I'm tired. Don't listen.
Listen
Listen

The Pieces Are Coming Together

Finally.

Thirteen days after arriving back home from the trip, I've finally managed to steal Aaron's computer. This is important because that computer contains an exceptionally large number of photographs that I took on the trip. Apparently the shutter button was depressed an amazing and shocking three thousand times. Not all of those pictures remain in existence of course..but that's still a lot of pictures.

So there she sits to my left, working away copying CD's, waiting for me to figure out how to link it to this one in order to exchange photographs.

This might not seem like very important news, but it's important to me dammit! It will also provide some spice for the blog in the form of photography.

So yea, I guess that's it. That's all I really have to say..I have today off and I'm sitting here being a total nerd.

Sweeeet

it's in your blood

It's been an exhausting couple of days. I've been drinking way too much, and subsequently paying for it the following day. Last night was Tim's "birthday" (his real birthday is Tuesday). Chino's was Friday. Last night I just felt utterly exhausted and drained. For this reason it was one of those nights where I tend to just quietly sit there and watch and listen. Anyone who knows me well is familiar with these quiet moods. I'm a man of many moods.

I don't feel all that good lately in general actually. It's absolutely fucking killing me to live in this town. With the apparent inactivity of my band, I'm left with no purpose, no defining thing to live by. There is nothing but work in my life now. The trip was merely a quick suspension of normal activity but it's gone now.

I think once I get back on my feet financially, I'm going to start exploring options on how to remove myself from Ingersoll. I've often considered going to school for photography. More and more lately it seems like a good idea. I've always said if I figured out something I'd actually like to go to school for that I might do it.

If I don't do that then I just have to leave.

Today's musical recommendation:
Lydia

falling stars

It's an exceptionally strange feeling to be back in this town which constitutes my home. Mowing my lawn. Washing my car. It all feels different now. And so do I. My recent vacation seems like some distant dream. I haven't even been home a week yet. But it still feels like a distant dream. I can trace my finger across a map and say to myself "I was there" but somehow it doesn't feel like I was. The only evidence I have is an empty bank account, pictures and this dream in my brain.
I hope I never forget all those shooting stars I saw. The mountains I saw. The people I met. The dirt I got on my shoes and my car. The feeling of peace I had looking out at the ocean. The overwhelming scent of pine that invaded my senses when I was in that forest.
But time is cruel. And time is a thief. It takes our most intimate thoughts and memories and transforms them in pretty ghosts. And sometimes all it leaves are the most vivid memories of regret and sadness.


I hate it.

There's a meteor shower tonight. I might go somewhere quiet and dark and watch it.
And I'll think.
And maybe I'll be at peace again.
Because all I've ever wanted was to be at peace.

Ugh

I've begun to transfer posts for the trip from this blog to my new one, which i created especially for the trip. And I have made a terrible realization. I'm gonna lose all my comments!

Dammit.

Decision

Ok here's what I'm doing with the question of blog content.
I created another blog (accessible through this page) that will be devoted entirely to the trip which I have just returned from.
This page will return to my rambling and sometimes incoherent thoughts.
That is all.
I'll be rearranging the blog entries to fit this new setup shortly.

In other news, I am now officially an uncle as of two-something in the morning today.
Abbey Claire Bond.

Hmm.

(This is what Ontario usually looks like)


Well I'm back in Ontario now.
It's really weird not being on the road, having somewhere to be..and it's also outstandingly strange not having to work for a little while.

But my point for writing this, is I'm really not sure what to do now, with this blog. I mean obviously I intend to continue updating.. but the trip is over.. and I couldn't make the blog a parallel to my travels as effectively as I had planned. No. Not at all. The blog is currently at Day Nine. There were Twenty-Six days in total. This is a massive gap. I had good reason of course. Lack of internet access was my basic hindrance..and even when there was access to be had, computer access was limited. Two others wanted to use the computer too, and one of them actually owned it.
Anyways

I must contemplate this.
Do I just return to documenting my own personal life?
Do I write out all the trip blogs ?

?

Untitled.

transcending the bridge
of sleepless eyes
we behold the light
and it sneaks in slow
pulling.caressing.seeping night

a sad reminder
and a wilted growth

i remember you pulling me close
i remember your eyes as they
stared at me and you chose
your words slowly you said

dont let go

sleep comes slow
i think you know
i turn out the light
memories held tight